When life gets tough in grad school, you have to just keep going

It's easy for me to complain about or feel sorry for myself and the all-too-full plate I've gotten into as a result of very deliberate choices I've made over the past years. This week, I'm:
*taking my general knowledge doctoral preliminary exam (2nd of 2 prelims - assuming I pass, I'll have crossed into the world of being a dissertator!)
*working on two group projects for classes (that I'm taking toward being eligible to do a dietetic internship after I finish the PhD)
*doing a glucose tolerance test for gestational diabetes (routine screening, but it was still 2 hours at the doctor's office with 3 blood draws and a 75g glucose dose... yum?! - luckily I passed that with flying colors this morning!)
*getting my house ready for an open house (we're selling, since Brandon's job is an hour outside of the city... I move in just 6 weeks to the apartment where he's been living since last June)

As I try to study these last 3 days for the prelim exam, I want nothing more than to crawl back into bed and sleep. My body keeps begging for 9-10 hours of sleep each night - far more than my non-pregnant self ever needs! - and for exercise (who wouldn't want to be outside on lovely sunny days, even if it's only 41F?). And I've been in a mood to cook! The asparagus in our yard, now well-established and producing prolifically, is up and the rhubarb is also up. I want to find creative uses for both (not together, probably) - to taste the sweet fruits of home-grown vegetables picked so freshly.

At the same time, I want to sit and cry for so many people in my circles who are in pain or dealing with much longer-term crises, to lift them in prayer. There is a man in our church whose father just died after a very quick bout of cancer. A friend has a 3-week-old who was diagnosed with phenylketonuria (PKU), requiring extremely strict lifelong dietary monitoring. A couple near and dear to my heart is struggling in their relationship. Another friend is dealing with her mother's impending death after a long battle with cancer.

I guess the perspective of those trials helps give me some perspective on my own trials - but I wish I could do and be more to support them rather than feeling the need to attend to my own immediate needs and priorities.

Thanks for listening, whoever you are!

Statistics are the bane of my existence.

No matter how much I understand some statistical concept in a meeting, I almost never can figure it out on my own the next day (...or week or month, depending on when I pick it up again...). Power analyses are terrible, and they shouldn't be that bad. But I'm trying to do them for my research, and even though I've met with a statistician AND just talked with my advisor yesterday, I can't for the life of me get numbers that make sense.

When will this be over??? I know I have funding for two years starting in October (yes, of 2012)... and that's great, but I'd rather graduate before Oct 2014. WELL before that.

I guess I can only get back to work... each hour I do now is an hour less that I have to work past August of 2013 on this research project, as a friend reminded me the other day. And that is a happy thought.

Lessons I'm learning from Graduate School

1) Everything takes longer in research than (a) I want it to, (b) I plan it to, and (c) I really think it should take.

2) Writing sentences in outline form is not so difficult. Case in point - exhibits 1a, 1b, and 1c above.

3) Getting a PhD is all about encountering burnout, and finding a way to push through it. You might not come through unscathed, but you're certainly stronger for it - and then you know you can keep going even when anything BUT continuing is appealing.

4) Priorities are slowly coming into focus for me in surprising ways. That's another topic for another day, but it's true.

5) Everyone needs breaks. My ideal breaks come from exercise (for myself and for Fante), talking on the phone (with my mom or a friend), cooking, cleaning/organizing my home, doing laundry (yes... I LOVE doing laundry! especially in the summer when I can hang it outside). My not-so-ideal breaks, which still happen, come from poking around on facebook and/or other social websites where I tend to lurk, looking up random actors/musicians/events/miscellaneous things on the internet to learn some trivial piece of interest when some question distracts me from my work, and planning out what I will do "When I'm done with this" (whether "this" is the particular assignment/article/analysis I'm working on at the moment, or the PhD/RD training as a whole), ...

6) When it comes down to it, I still think I'd like to be a bum.

My name is Andrea and I'm a graduate student. *sigh*

You know it's time for the semester to be over when...

1) you're almost 30 years old and you think that doing handstands in your living room might help you focus (after all, it was one way you focused when reading "Romeo and Juliet" in 8th grade)

2) you think that maybe just skimming your old notes will be good enough for a cumulative final exam in human nutrition across the lifespan

3) you really don't care if you don't get a good grade on the last final

4) letting your 15# dog walk on your back as you lay on the couch (to study) feel like the best massage ever

5) ... you just know. Forget studying. I'm going to a lovely peninsula to enjoy the lovely weather (it's FINALLY spring!) for the evening. And then I'll study/cram early in the morning before my 12:25 exam.

But seriously - who schedules an exam on Sunday, Mother's Day?!?

On a new trajectory

I'm trying to help myself be positive by writing blogs about good things at least a couple of times per week.

Today, I got to run before walking my dog. It felt great - and even though it was a gray, rainy day, I managed to pick a window of the afternoon where the sun peeked out from behind the clouds! During my run, I made plans for a fantastic supper (sweet potato/black bean burrito with dilled sour cream and home-made salsa; spinach; a little cottage cheese dessert). And I made plans to start a big surprise for my husband when he comes home this weekend. Part of that surprise is highly dependent on the weather, though, so I'm keeping quiet about it (plus, he might actually read this?! I don't know if he even knows that I still have this blog, or even if he's ever looked at it.) Also on my run I saw several middle schoolers (track team?) out running. They were FLYING and looked like they were having a lot of fun together. I love seeing active kids having fun!

And speaking of having fun, I'm officially helping to organize a screening of a new comedy in my home town! If you live near me and want more information, contact me via facebook or email. I'm hoping it comes together soon. I'm looking for a good laugh.

Another cool thing was that my dentist's office called. Since I've recommended her to 3 people who have subsequently started being her patients, she wanted to give me an electric toothbrush! (The first 2 referrals landed me movie tickets and a target gift card.) I already have one though... so I guess I have some other fun thank-you gift coming to me?! Wow! If you live near me and want a great dentist, let me know! Not because I want more gifts from my dentist, but because, YES, she really is that great of a dentist.

All those "roses" of today far outweigh the "thorn" of today: grading projects. And I'm not going to dwell on that any longer. I'm going to turn on Pandora music and plug away in hopes that I actually make progress today.

low points

I have made choices to be where and who I am: in school (and being successful in classes and in research), a teacher (with a fantastic reputation! I have my first graduating student this year - preparing for her senior recital... so exciting!), a member of a vibrant congregation (off all committees for now, but still involved with hymn-leading and part of the social network), 1/4 of a women's quartet (and we are really starting to have FUN!), a dog-owner (who else would keep me company when B is away?!), a friend (who can get by without them?), a runner (I need it for my sanity and sanctity...).

I also made choices to be in debt: buying a house (hello, 30-year mortgage!), going to school (the area between my chin and my shoulders is VERY valuable! still hoping to pay it off with the talents of my voice...), supporting my husband going to school (3 weeks to graduation! then we can start paying down that debt for real!), and living outside my ideal budget for the last 4 years while B has been not working.

There are some things I didn't choose. I didn't choose to be vulnerable to depression (oh, neurotransmitters, how I will always fight thee for balance). I didn't choose for my body to reject plans I made (like losing weight). I didn't choose to have an addictive tendency (I am beginning to consider myself addicted to food... that's a dangerous enough addiction for me). I didn't choose to have food sensitivities (coffee/caffeine, sugar, dairy, corn, ....).

I DID choose to over-commit myself this semester. I TRIED to stay balanced. But I think I just got burned out. Thank goodness the end of the semester is in sight, and I can take a breather for two weeks after that. It will be a VERY WELCOME breath of fresh air. I can almost taste it. And I WILL come back refreshed, invigorated, and ready to dive in again to the commitments I have made to myself and my communities.

Another postcard from chimpanzees...

There isn't anything going on with chimpanzees in my life. Or postcards. But maybe there WILL be postcards in about 6 weeks...?! At that point, I'll finally be able to have a little escape from my "normal" (abnormal?) life.

Some things really don't seem relevant. Some things really don't seem fair.

I slept through my alarm clock this morning. 2nd time in a week. I heard the 1st alarm (5am), but woke up 75 minutes after my 2nd alarm, having been enjoying the movies of my dream-time... wish it was more memorable. Actually, I wish my life were like a movie. I keep thinking about re-making my life - so that I feel like an actress all the time (in terms of my appearance - put together, confident, full of poise and vitality), so that I take time to breathe, ... but other things get in the way. Like waking up late - that kind of puts a damper on making sure I look great when I have 20 minutes to walk the dog and get to the bus. Bummer.

This is not very coherent. This is more for me than for the world to see anyway... so much I'm not ready to share fully, but I don't have time to write by hand. I DID make a promise to myself (yesterday) to take time every evening to reflect on what was good/life-giving about my day. Really need to start recognizing the blessings in my life - because I'm getting too far down again.

I have been feeling sorry for myself lately for a lot of reasons. When I hear about other people's circumstances, though, I try to remember what they are dealing with...

-significant others who live a 2-leg flight PLUS hour-long drive away (my husband will just be 45 minutes away)

-people who live in Abidjan (Cote d'Ivoire) who cannot even leave their home today because of violence... I am lucky enough to be able to walk outside alone pretty much at any time of day and feel reasonably safe.

My life isn't so bad. In fact, it's pretty good. I just have to embrace the challenges and focus on the positive.

Sights of the Neighborhood

Today I took a nice long walk after my (late) lunch, with Fante. It is a nice gray afternoon, pleasantly warm - a light jacket is required, but no sunglasses. I think I earned my Vitamin D today.

Fun things today:
1) I took time to veer from the sidewalk/path, to take Fante down to the lake. He was a little leery of the water as it lapped against the rocky/sandy "beach" (it was all of 10 feet long) but he was alert and attentive to the shifting mini-waves. And he was adventurous in climbing through bits of sand and over rocks!
2) A group of ~10 middle-school-aged boys passed us near the community center. One of the boys called out, "I like your dog!" Yeah. My dog rocks. He even wins over cute-loving middle-school boys. Not many dogs can do that.
3) Just after that, I saw two birds kind of fighting in mid-air. It looked like it belonged in Harry Potter or something. I've never seen that before!
4) Jon Stewart semi-impersonating Glen Beck (Thurs, April 7 episode) AND Jamie Oliver being interviewed in the same episode?!? HI. LAR. I. OUS. It was fantastic.
5) Amazon rocks too. Just by being a student (having a .edu email address), I get free shipping. I just bought an important SAS textbook - and "supplemented" the purchase with a Sword of Truth trilogy (to take the 1 I haven't read yet with me on vacation NEXT MONTH!!), and pre-ordered a new movie (click here. for information and to see the trailer!).
6) A good friend suggested that I use my imagination more in life. Sometimes, she puts on a cute apron, heels, and lipstick while cooking dinner and pretends she's in France. I think I'm going to have to devise new ways to imagine myself in a more exciting place in the coming months, with the dear husband preparing to live separately from me while I finish school (his new job is too far from home for him to commute from home, and too far from my school for me to commute. bummer.). I'm thinking of covering my windows with New Zealand landscapes... and that prompted me to change my time zone on this blog to Auckland. Baby steps...

Time to work...

A quote to ponder...

I saw this on the "Musical America Weekly Newsletter" (that I get at work) and it is a way that I hope is setting the tone for our new administration.

"A good compromise, a good piece of legislation, is like a good sentence; or a good piece of music. Everybody can recognize it. They say, 'Huh. It works. It makes sense.' "
--President Barack Obama

I'm officially applying for more school!

A couple of weeks ago, I turned in my application for yet another academic program. This time, I really believe that I've found my niche: the Interdeparmental Graduate Program in Nutritional Sciences (at UW-Madison, of course!). I've got to wait until March next year to know whether or not I'm in, but it's OK. I'll get to thoroughly enjoy the rest of my MM program, do a fantastic recital (March 7th!), gain a Masters' degree... and then I will be completely ready to enter back into the realm of the other world that I left 4 years ago when I dropped my molecular biology major.

I am really excited, and doing my best to convince myself that I still have the ability to be patient as I wait to (hopefully) get a call for an interview and learn whether or not they accept me into the program.

Cousin ~ Friends

The other evening, I was looking through my phone contact list, trying to figure out who was on the same phone network as I am (I went over our minutes last month, so I'm trying to be more careful...!) so that I could better enjoy my late-night bus ride home after teaching. I called one of my Bontrager-side cousins that I haven't seen for almost two years. She wasn't able to talk right then, but she called back later that night.

We did the usual catching-up conversations, and eventually eased into more "musings" about the relationships of cousins - our cousins in particular. Now that we're all officially adults (the youngest of the first cousins will be 19 on Sunday this week; and there are at least 8 kids in the next generation, ranging in age from about 2 months to... well, 22 years... that's what you get when you have a range of 12 years in our parents' generation!), the nature of our cousin-ly gatherings has changed quite a bit. When we were younger, we were thrilled to run around our grandparents' yard and our aunt and uncle who live next door (in the house where my dad was born!), climbing the pear tree (no longer there?), playing with the barn cats, jumping on the trampoline, playing baseball or woofleball (highly competitive when a certain uncle was around - he was very passionate about the game!), making up games, playing monopoly... Those days evolved into midnight pranks pulled while sleeping out in the tent (girls) or camper (boys), and then that evolved into late-night fiestas of dutch blitz or trivial pursuit and pizza (though some certain cousins had unfair Trivial Pursuit advantages, since they had the game around all the time and worked to memorize said trivia...), rambunctious story-telling and memory-reliving about our parents and grandparents (wouldn't YOU make good, clean fun of your grandma if you found out she'd stuck a rifle in the ground after the foxes, who WERE bothering the chickens, were gone after you'd loaded and readied it? or that she'd brought a "baby" alligator home from Florida and kept it in her room, till it froze to death thanks to the upstairs not being heated?)...

Now we're really adults. All of us have graduated from high school. Many of us have graduated from college or some other higher-education, most of us have steady jobs/occupations that we're generally content with, or at least a plan for getting where we'd like to be in the next 5 years or so. When we get together, the bond of being cousins - even though some of us we only get to have a handful of days together every one or two years - seems to pull us together with positive energy. We discuss our grandparents' health with great concern and our parents' current state of relationships with trepidation and care, knowing how much we love them all and wanting the best for everyone... but deeply glad that the problems they're having are not problems we have to enter into to make a difference. We hope that our parents don't do the same thing to us as Grandma and Grandpa have done to them (and to themselves). We discuss politics, theology and faith (following in the tradition of our parents, who debated tough issues with high energy and a wealth of Biblical ground-knowledge that inspires and energizes me every time I got to observe such a debate!), wrestle with issues of self and identity and responsibility to each other and to our world (the physical and the social world)...

Even though we don't see each other that often, it is so comforting to know that we have this depth of relationships that allows us to have such conversations in love and to listen to each other (at least most of us) when we come across areas where we differ. It is amazing that, despite our vast differences in life experiences, many of us share strikingly similar viewpoints and sensibilities. I feel so blessed to have such an amazing group of cousins (on both sides!) and to know that these people know me and accept me for who I am.

Are YOU on Facebook?

I got this comic on a graduate school newsletter this week...


It's from "Piled Higher and Deeper" by Jorge Cham, www.phdcomics.com

Bus rides

This morning I hopped on a bus (7:12 am - not too early, not too late!) after having completed a morning jog, which was harder than normal but felt wonderful thanks to the cool air (53 degrees)! This bus is usually not too full - there are normally seats for both Brandon and I on the days we get to ride this bus together (we often go in at different times).

Today, however, when I got on - it was standing room only! I felt badly as more and more people boarded between my stop and the Square - and we all "danced" the shuffle of emptying about half the bus on the east side of the square (a normal dance event, but more challenging today, given the number of people standing!).

I think that the gas prices are going to significantly alter the number of people riding the bus. My friend Jake already says that more and more people ride the bus specified to go to his workplace each day - understandably so. Perhaps this will encourage the Metro Transit System to become more and more improved. What I don't yet understand, though, is how traffic appears to continually get slightly worse while the busses get fuller - a very interesting dichotomy! Either way, I'm very thankful that my bus pass comes paid in full to me. It really is a job perk!

I may have to start biking occasionnally, though - Brandon said he was going to bike today (I assume he did, though he left while I was out running) and it sounded like a refreshing idea...

End-of-Semester "let-down"

Since my last post was about Madison's first snowfall, I thought it was about time for a new one (now that we're past the snow time... over 100 inches later!)...

Normally when I finish a semester, there is a huge sigh of relief, and I often have an urge to sit around and do nothing for a very long time. During college (and even sometimes in high school), I often got ill from the let-down of stress once everything was done. Last fall, I didn't get sick. I was thoroughly energized and ready for my upcoming vacation to spend time with family in Iowa and Delaware. Now that the spring semester is over (for me - I sang my juries on Monday), I almost feel like there is a void. I have all these things to accomplish (crafts to finish, cleaning to start, music to learn, books I want to read, and a LOT of busy-ness at work with summer workshops quickly approaching!) but so much less structure. I like the lack of structure, but I know that the long hours at work will kick in (like yesterday, with a 9-hour day in the office. I only left my office to go to the printer, the bathroom, to ask questions of co-workers, and to run one errand in the Humanities building!). It's up to me to stay focused enough to do the things I want and need to do. That's scary, but less daunting than it has been in the past. The clarity with which I see my tasks helps me prioritize and really do things rather than wanting to run from my responsibilities. Does that mean that I'm becoming more of an adult?!

I also realized, while sitting and talking about various work issues with my boss, that I really enjoy working for her. She's about the best boss anyone like me could ask for. She lets me do my work without breathing down my neck, encourages me when I take on new projects (like Spanish-language music classes, for which I developed a proposal, plan, wrote a grant, and received the grant! more about that on another post...), and thoroughly appreciates what I do. It's not hard work, but I'm glad to be appreciated. It will be so difficult to tell her when I decide to move on, but I know that she will understand when it is time. I did finally learn that my GRE scores aren't too old for applying to the Interdepartmental Graduate Program in Nutritional Sciences. That's great news!

Beautiful Whiteness Falling from the Sky

There are beautiful flakes of snow falling outside my window. It's just lovely. I'm so glad it's winter! I think I might get a 'real' Wisconsin winter finally this year - the last two have been relatively mild. The lakes are even freezing over (at least at the edges) already. I'm hoping for a solid freezing of the lakes for at least 3 months this year, like it's 'supposed' to be.

Christmas is coming! This is the best time of year.

Another hat to wear

I recently was introduced to a product called MonaVie. It is a blend of 19 fruits, covering many different pigmentation colors and using fruits from around the world. Each batch is tested for traces of pesticides/chemicals that could be harmful when ingested, and uses the highes quality ingredients. What you get from this yummy drink is a highly concentrated form of fruit - allowing you get the nutrients you need for health on a cellular level. It's not supposed to cure anything, but people have experienced a range of effects on their health, ranging from improved sleep to mental clarity to relief from chronic aches and pains - among others.

The effects I've felt include the improved sleep (I've not slept so well in years; particularly since being on Lariam while on SST in Cote d'Ivoire over 5 years ago!), mental clarity (particularly in terms of simply having energy to really think about tough questions in my life), increased energy overall (I have energy to get up and exercise almost every day!!), and a curbed appetite (so that I can willfully and gladly control portion sizes to what is more appropriate for health). I also don't crave junk food (pizza especially, since I don't crave desserts as much with my sugar sensitivities) which is a new thing for me!

So I decided to become an independent distributor of this product. I believe that it's making me healthier. My father-in-law said last night, "you really look good! There is more life in your eyes" and that meant a lot to me, that others can see a difference. Brandon even admitted that he notices that I have more vitality. I see it making a difference for my mom, and continue to hear stories from others that I am learning to know through the company. If people can't get on board with this product, I hope they at least make changes to improve their health by eating more fruits and vegetables. That alone would be beneficial to them.

If you want to learn more, just ask me! I'm always eager to share.

You know spam is really bad when...

This morning, one of my work tasks was to clean out my boss's e-mail in-box (she's away on a business trip to multiple music educator conferences). Normally, she gets a LOT of spam/junk e-mail (on the scale of 300+ per day). So this process takes quite a bit of my time!

I have to say, though, that sometimes the e-mails are rather amusing. Many come masked as "System Administration: Mailer daemon failure" and stuff like that (as if my boss would be sending notices about viagra, etc, to people she doesn't know/e-mail addresses that are absolutely ludicrous).

The funniest domain name that I saw today was "@alibaba.com". Because of the movie "Aladdin" I started laughing... It just struck me as funny.

I'm glad I don't get as much spam as she does, though, no matter how amusing it may be. Ultimately, there are about 5 or 6 basic e-mails that come through. Don't people have better things to do with their time?!

Listening

So I've been listening to my school colleagues over the past 4 weeks. We've sung for each other in Master Class and in Diction class (and will continue to do so throughout the next two years in various capacities). I am so amazed at the level of artistry that so many people have. There are people who, in their first year of a Master's of Music in Voice Performance, have what I consider to be a professionally full and rich sound. Already. I wouldn't be surprised if they could win roles in opera auditions if they went out for something in Chicago or New York yesterday. Even some undergraduate students have incredible, rich, full, and well-connected and well-placed voices with amazing expression. I wonder, hearing them, what they hear in my voice - and what my professors hear that allowed them to accept me into the program!

I'm not saying that I feel like a horrible singer, but I know that I don't have a huge voice (even though it's gotten a lot bigger, and a lot more solid, over the past two years). I don't expect to ever make a living doing opera, but it would be nice to get paid singing oratorio, or for weddings (and funerals?), or in churches, and to be part of an ensemble that gets to play concerts at least once in a while. I'm thoroughly enjoying learning music of Buxtehude and his contemporaries in my "Collegium Musicum" (early music ensemble) class - I feel comfortable with the repertoire and my voice doesn't get tired singing it. I hope that I can strengthen my voice to do operas in small venues, because it's so much fun! My internal reactions to hearing my colleagues, though, make me question whether those things will feel "enough" for me. I like to feel like I'm at the top - I'm kind of used to it (maybe not always in music, but in general I've always had a sense that I can do more and be more than the average person... and I feel like that sounds horribly arrogant, and it feels that way to admit it, but I don't feel like the arrogance is a part of that sense - it's just how I think I'm wired). So will I get enough satisfaction from singing the things I love to sing, even if it's not what most people in the world will ever appreciate listening to?

The musings continue...

An interesting perspective on me!

So apparently I'm "balanced"... anyone think so?!