When life gets tough in grad school, you have to just keep going

It's easy for me to complain about or feel sorry for myself and the all-too-full plate I've gotten into as a result of very deliberate choices I've made over the past years. This week, I'm:
*taking my general knowledge doctoral preliminary exam (2nd of 2 prelims - assuming I pass, I'll have crossed into the world of being a dissertator!)
*working on two group projects for classes (that I'm taking toward being eligible to do a dietetic internship after I finish the PhD)
*doing a glucose tolerance test for gestational diabetes (routine screening, but it was still 2 hours at the doctor's office with 3 blood draws and a 75g glucose dose... yum?! - luckily I passed that with flying colors this morning!)
*getting my house ready for an open house (we're selling, since Brandon's job is an hour outside of the city... I move in just 6 weeks to the apartment where he's been living since last June)

As I try to study these last 3 days for the prelim exam, I want nothing more than to crawl back into bed and sleep. My body keeps begging for 9-10 hours of sleep each night - far more than my non-pregnant self ever needs! - and for exercise (who wouldn't want to be outside on lovely sunny days, even if it's only 41F?). And I've been in a mood to cook! The asparagus in our yard, now well-established and producing prolifically, is up and the rhubarb is also up. I want to find creative uses for both (not together, probably) - to taste the sweet fruits of home-grown vegetables picked so freshly.

At the same time, I want to sit and cry for so many people in my circles who are in pain or dealing with much longer-term crises, to lift them in prayer. There is a man in our church whose father just died after a very quick bout of cancer. A friend has a 3-week-old who was diagnosed with phenylketonuria (PKU), requiring extremely strict lifelong dietary monitoring. A couple near and dear to my heart is struggling in their relationship. Another friend is dealing with her mother's impending death after a long battle with cancer.

I guess the perspective of those trials helps give me some perspective on my own trials - but I wish I could do and be more to support them rather than feeling the need to attend to my own immediate needs and priorities.

Thanks for listening, whoever you are!

Statistics are the bane of my existence.

No matter how much I understand some statistical concept in a meeting, I almost never can figure it out on my own the next day (...or week or month, depending on when I pick it up again...). Power analyses are terrible, and they shouldn't be that bad. But I'm trying to do them for my research, and even though I've met with a statistician AND just talked with my advisor yesterday, I can't for the life of me get numbers that make sense.

When will this be over??? I know I have funding for two years starting in October (yes, of 2012)... and that's great, but I'd rather graduate before Oct 2014. WELL before that.

I guess I can only get back to work... each hour I do now is an hour less that I have to work past August of 2013 on this research project, as a friend reminded me the other day. And that is a happy thought.

Lessons I'm learning from Graduate School

1) Everything takes longer in research than (a) I want it to, (b) I plan it to, and (c) I really think it should take.

2) Writing sentences in outline form is not so difficult. Case in point - exhibits 1a, 1b, and 1c above.

3) Getting a PhD is all about encountering burnout, and finding a way to push through it. You might not come through unscathed, but you're certainly stronger for it - and then you know you can keep going even when anything BUT continuing is appealing.

4) Priorities are slowly coming into focus for me in surprising ways. That's another topic for another day, but it's true.

5) Everyone needs breaks. My ideal breaks come from exercise (for myself and for Fante), talking on the phone (with my mom or a friend), cooking, cleaning/organizing my home, doing laundry (yes... I LOVE doing laundry! especially in the summer when I can hang it outside). My not-so-ideal breaks, which still happen, come from poking around on facebook and/or other social websites where I tend to lurk, looking up random actors/musicians/events/miscellaneous things on the internet to learn some trivial piece of interest when some question distracts me from my work, and planning out what I will do "When I'm done with this" (whether "this" is the particular assignment/article/analysis I'm working on at the moment, or the PhD/RD training as a whole), ...

6) When it comes down to it, I still think I'd like to be a bum.

My name is Andrea and I'm a graduate student. *sigh*

You know it's time for the semester to be over when...

1) you're almost 30 years old and you think that doing handstands in your living room might help you focus (after all, it was one way you focused when reading "Romeo and Juliet" in 8th grade)

2) you think that maybe just skimming your old notes will be good enough for a cumulative final exam in human nutrition across the lifespan

3) you really don't care if you don't get a good grade on the last final

4) letting your 15# dog walk on your back as you lay on the couch (to study) feel like the best massage ever

5) ... you just know. Forget studying. I'm going to a lovely peninsula to enjoy the lovely weather (it's FINALLY spring!) for the evening. And then I'll study/cram early in the morning before my 12:25 exam.

But seriously - who schedules an exam on Sunday, Mother's Day?!?

On a new trajectory

I'm trying to help myself be positive by writing blogs about good things at least a couple of times per week.

Today, I got to run before walking my dog. It felt great - and even though it was a gray, rainy day, I managed to pick a window of the afternoon where the sun peeked out from behind the clouds! During my run, I made plans for a fantastic supper (sweet potato/black bean burrito with dilled sour cream and home-made salsa; spinach; a little cottage cheese dessert). And I made plans to start a big surprise for my husband when he comes home this weekend. Part of that surprise is highly dependent on the weather, though, so I'm keeping quiet about it (plus, he might actually read this?! I don't know if he even knows that I still have this blog, or even if he's ever looked at it.) Also on my run I saw several middle schoolers (track team?) out running. They were FLYING and looked like they were having a lot of fun together. I love seeing active kids having fun!

And speaking of having fun, I'm officially helping to organize a screening of a new comedy in my home town! If you live near me and want more information, contact me via facebook or email. I'm hoping it comes together soon. I'm looking for a good laugh.

Another cool thing was that my dentist's office called. Since I've recommended her to 3 people who have subsequently started being her patients, she wanted to give me an electric toothbrush! (The first 2 referrals landed me movie tickets and a target gift card.) I already have one though... so I guess I have some other fun thank-you gift coming to me?! Wow! If you live near me and want a great dentist, let me know! Not because I want more gifts from my dentist, but because, YES, she really is that great of a dentist.

All those "roses" of today far outweigh the "thorn" of today: grading projects. And I'm not going to dwell on that any longer. I'm going to turn on Pandora music and plug away in hopes that I actually make progress today.

low points

I have made choices to be where and who I am: in school (and being successful in classes and in research), a teacher (with a fantastic reputation! I have my first graduating student this year - preparing for her senior recital... so exciting!), a member of a vibrant congregation (off all committees for now, but still involved with hymn-leading and part of the social network), 1/4 of a women's quartet (and we are really starting to have FUN!), a dog-owner (who else would keep me company when B is away?!), a friend (who can get by without them?), a runner (I need it for my sanity and sanctity...).

I also made choices to be in debt: buying a house (hello, 30-year mortgage!), going to school (the area between my chin and my shoulders is VERY valuable! still hoping to pay it off with the talents of my voice...), supporting my husband going to school (3 weeks to graduation! then we can start paying down that debt for real!), and living outside my ideal budget for the last 4 years while B has been not working.

There are some things I didn't choose. I didn't choose to be vulnerable to depression (oh, neurotransmitters, how I will always fight thee for balance). I didn't choose for my body to reject plans I made (like losing weight). I didn't choose to have an addictive tendency (I am beginning to consider myself addicted to food... that's a dangerous enough addiction for me). I didn't choose to have food sensitivities (coffee/caffeine, sugar, dairy, corn, ....).

I DID choose to over-commit myself this semester. I TRIED to stay balanced. But I think I just got burned out. Thank goodness the end of the semester is in sight, and I can take a breather for two weeks after that. It will be a VERY WELCOME breath of fresh air. I can almost taste it. And I WILL come back refreshed, invigorated, and ready to dive in again to the commitments I have made to myself and my communities.

Another postcard from chimpanzees...

There isn't anything going on with chimpanzees in my life. Or postcards. But maybe there WILL be postcards in about 6 weeks...?! At that point, I'll finally be able to have a little escape from my "normal" (abnormal?) life.

Some things really don't seem relevant. Some things really don't seem fair.

I slept through my alarm clock this morning. 2nd time in a week. I heard the 1st alarm (5am), but woke up 75 minutes after my 2nd alarm, having been enjoying the movies of my dream-time... wish it was more memorable. Actually, I wish my life were like a movie. I keep thinking about re-making my life - so that I feel like an actress all the time (in terms of my appearance - put together, confident, full of poise and vitality), so that I take time to breathe, ... but other things get in the way. Like waking up late - that kind of puts a damper on making sure I look great when I have 20 minutes to walk the dog and get to the bus. Bummer.

This is not very coherent. This is more for me than for the world to see anyway... so much I'm not ready to share fully, but I don't have time to write by hand. I DID make a promise to myself (yesterday) to take time every evening to reflect on what was good/life-giving about my day. Really need to start recognizing the blessings in my life - because I'm getting too far down again.